Questions I'd like to ponder:
- Am I fully "awake" during my awake hours?
- What do I think about during the day?
- Do I have 100% "purpose" to my day...if not, how much and why?
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
hours spent "awake"
I've had a long, busy day...just showered and relaxing before a yummy meal (omelets)...thinking about how I spend my daytime hours (those not spent asleep). Today I pretty much went at work from the time I left this morning until about 45 mins ago. I was roofing at mom stone's house until my feet starting sliding on the melting shingles, then went to Kathy Thomas' house across town and spent ~5hrs doing handy stuff (hanging doors, fixing plumbing, etc), I then spent 1 more hour on the roof until darkness came and impending thunderstorms on the horizon.
Questions I'd like to ponder:
Questions I'd like to ponder:
Thursday, June 5, 2008
work...
Just got home from working on a bathroom (drywall, priming, trim, etc). Most work was inside, but I STILL sweat buckets. My arms were sore as I sanded; probably overexerted from roofing this week. I thought about "work" as I pushed my body...thankful that I can do what I do, and wondering if I'm aware of the "glory of God" in my work? I'd like to spend some time thinking about and journaling about this, but actually am cleaned up and heading out to the airport to do MORE work...
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Purpose & Entitlement
I worked at the airport this morning and had a couple thoughts:
Secondly, I noticed a couple with an older woman and they were marching angrily from an area, muttering "idiots" as they walked away. I wondered why they were upset, but then heard her tell someone "we have a handicapped woman with us and you don't have anywhere for her to move to the front of the line?" The employee tried to allow them to use 1st class, but they huffed away and went elsewere to complain. I looked at the couple and older woman and was unable to tell she was "handicapped". They seemed to feel ENTITLED to special treatment and it made their attitude hard to deal with and unpleasant at best. I then went to 1st class in domestic to take a few people there (no line) and help ease the dozens that were going to miss their international flight. A "preferred customer" (aka snobby bitch) got into the 1st class line and whined "are they all here for 1st class?" the supervisor pleasantly told her they were...she sighed with indignance and went to stand behind them (something she obviously was NOT used to doing). ENTITLEMENT! This is not only irritating, but also eye-opening since I TOO tend to feel "entitled". I grew up knowing that if you "demand" something just right or hard enough something will get done. (new meal, free tickets, payment for damages, apologies, thanks, etc). There always seems to be a feeling of hurt that goes deep when I press for "entitlements", but those feelings are often just suppressed and justified that the benefits of "getting my own way" will offset the uneasy gut feelings. This is a VERY selfish way to live and one that I don't want to continue in. I think my work at the airport with "handicapped" and "first class passengers" will help keep these ideas fresh...good reminders.
- work is hard when there is no apparent "purpose"
- people who feel "entitled" to something can be irritating
Secondly, I noticed a couple with an older woman and they were marching angrily from an area, muttering "idiots" as they walked away. I wondered why they were upset, but then heard her tell someone "we have a handicapped woman with us and you don't have anywhere for her to move to the front of the line?" The employee tried to allow them to use 1st class, but they huffed away and went elsewere to complain. I looked at the couple and older woman and was unable to tell she was "handicapped". They seemed to feel ENTITLED to special treatment and it made their attitude hard to deal with and unpleasant at best. I then went to 1st class in domestic to take a few people there (no line) and help ease the dozens that were going to miss their international flight. A "preferred customer" (aka snobby bitch) got into the 1st class line and whined "are they all here for 1st class?" the supervisor pleasantly told her they were...she sighed with indignance and went to stand behind them (something she obviously was NOT used to doing). ENTITLEMENT! This is not only irritating, but also eye-opening since I TOO tend to feel "entitled". I grew up knowing that if you "demand" something just right or hard enough something will get done. (new meal, free tickets, payment for damages, apologies, thanks, etc). There always seems to be a feeling of hurt that goes deep when I press for "entitlements", but those feelings are often just suppressed and justified that the benefits of "getting my own way" will offset the uneasy gut feelings. This is a VERY selfish way to live and one that I don't want to continue in. I think my work at the airport with "handicapped" and "first class passengers" will help keep these ideas fresh...good reminders.
maiden voyage
Well, I've been using computers for about 17 years now, have e-mail, facebook and figure it's a good time to try out "blogging". I like to journal, but I often get tired of holding the pen/pencil and MORE often can't read or find what I wrote... I think this may be a good outlet and maybe help with organization of my thoughts.
This morning I got up just before 4am and came out to read/meditate/pray? I had worked most of yesterday and found "tension" when I finally met up with Dianne and everyone else in the evening. I asked Di if she were upset, and she said she thought I was upset. I seem to give off perceptions that are not accurate (or at least I'm not aware of them). I also had won a prize from 107.9FM for sharing "what I want to hear from my partner"...this created some reminders of what has happened in the past several months, and also created a scenario that put pressure on Dianne to "listen, be pleased and respond accordingly". Di helped me see this and parallel the fact that I grew up with these scenarios (primarily from my dad) and I have struggled with that pressure. There are other issues raised in this situation: my expressed desire for AFFIRMATION from Dianne; want for physical and emotional satisfaction/desire from Dianne; expressed "insecurities that Dianne has but is working through". Di said she felt that I was not OWNING my part of the shortfall...that I painted a picture of desires that WERE given pre Oct 2006. There is alot that I said and expected in this situation that reminded Di of hurt and reality that is already there...I need to be careful in how I express my feelings. I don't want to STUFF, so I need to learn to SHARE APPROPRIATELY, as well as keep building the other relationships that are helping me to heal and grow (including my relationship with God).
Speaking of relationship with God, the AFFIRMATION that I expressed a desire to have from Dianne...I think I have always looked for that in people (specifically women) and NOT had the solid foundation of acceptance that I should have in God. That alone will create undo pressure on those I want relationship with AND create instability for me and the relationships. I need to address those questions of acceptance...Does God really love and accept me? Do I love and accept me?
???
This morning I got up just before 4am and came out to read/meditate/pray? I had worked most of yesterday and found "tension" when I finally met up with Dianne and everyone else in the evening. I asked Di if she were upset, and she said she thought I was upset. I seem to give off perceptions that are not accurate (or at least I'm not aware of them). I also had won a prize from 107.9FM for sharing "what I want to hear from my partner"...this created some reminders of what has happened in the past several months, and also created a scenario that put pressure on Dianne to "listen, be pleased and respond accordingly". Di helped me see this and parallel the fact that I grew up with these scenarios (primarily from my dad) and I have struggled with that pressure. There are other issues raised in this situation: my expressed desire for AFFIRMATION from Dianne; want for physical and emotional satisfaction/desire from Dianne; expressed "insecurities that Dianne has but is working through". Di said she felt that I was not OWNING my part of the shortfall...that I painted a picture of desires that WERE given pre Oct 2006. There is alot that I said and expected in this situation that reminded Di of hurt and reality that is already there...I need to be careful in how I express my feelings. I don't want to STUFF, so I need to learn to SHARE APPROPRIATELY, as well as keep building the other relationships that are helping me to heal and grow (including my relationship with God).
Speaking of relationship with God, the AFFIRMATION that I expressed a desire to have from Dianne...I think I have always looked for that in people (specifically women) and NOT had the solid foundation of acceptance that I should have in God. That alone will create undo pressure on those I want relationship with AND create instability for me and the relationships. I need to address those questions of acceptance...Does God really love and accept me? Do I love and accept me?
???
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